Where I’m at

bellisgirl blogging

|where did I get? nothing belongs to me, didn´t get anywhere, didn’t conquer anything and I can’t move.

I can’t decide either.

I’m tired of explaining myself, there’s only me and just I just want be here and breathe.

I used to be this determined person, I still am but not quite the same and want to go back to that, I can’t and I get mad about myself because this makes no sense.

I feel like the size of an ant, running all the time so I won’t be crushed.

I feel hundred times more, I see the sky and it’s overwhelming, I want to lay down just watching. being. with time. |

The funny part is that I wrote this (these random things on a piece of paper next to me), the year a started a new job and I was happy, I am happy.

I don’t really know, is a very unsettling feeling that started like 3years ago. I started to ask things, to notice things, things I used to just no do it (not because I don’t care, well I do care…a lot). I would prefer to think about myself and what makes me happy or not and never do this in between kind of thing (I do what I feel), still think this way but I started to consider other things and maybe other people (because I believe in them) and I’ve got to say: we are increasingly numb

we all want to know the good stuff and we can help in a lot things it’s true. measurable stuff. stuff easy to explain or stuff you can guess away and make new theories just for fun.

I then you have, emotional stuff, stuff you need answers or comfort, maybe not so funny stuff and that is the real you. and that is beautiful (for me) but many don’t want to deal or don’t know because we are all figuring out but too ashamed to say it so instead of togetherness, well you just feel, I mean: I feel like the weird one.

So, this where I am right now, that’s why I’m not doing new pieces. I’m on this new ride of asking, thinking, discovering and this is the first time I thought I could write here.

Bellisgirl reflects my life, the stories I want to tell only makes sense because I feel them in that moment, that way I love them forever.